a few glimpses of this christmas

Two days before Christmas, I sat in the family room, reading, all morning.  The house was quiet.  Periodically, someone would knock on the door: a neighbor, bearing jam or fudge or bread.  Neighbor would walk away with a bag of Chex-mix, and I would return to the couch, pull my legs under me, and open my book up again.

We woke up on Christmas morning to a mantle of quiet whiteness: snow, finally.

Ben and Wayne made each other laugh so many times.

I got to sleep under the softest down comforter, on top of the firmest futon mattress, in the dark basement, surrounded by boxes and boxes of stuff we are organizing as a Christmas gift for my mama.

My uncle Steve said something particularly hilarious, and I watched as my dad, overcome with funniness, sank to his hands and knees, then picked himself back up, eyes still squinted and mouth still open in a full-lunged bout of laughter.  One of my favorite things is watching my dad laugh, and there is no one that can get him going quite like his little brother Steve.

a short list of things that have made my heart happy

1. hearing my grandmother's voice over the phone.  she told me I am in the richest part of my life, and you know what, I believed her.

2. Handel's Messiah.  I'm playing in a community orchestra for a Messiah sing-in.  the work is simply glorious.  did you know: Handel composed it in his best clothes because he felt he was going before his Maker, creating an offering to God.  a line that struck me tonight was this: "He is the King of Glory".

3. this song.

Addendum to the last one

I feel like I forgot to say one of the most important things about making decisions: that God loves us, cares about our lives and decisions, and both wants to and will help us and guide us.  He's promised us that.  Seek and ye shall find.  I will send you my comforter.  The Holy Ghost "will show unto you all things what ye should do" (2 Nephi 32:5).  We can trust in His promises and in His guidance.  He will nudge and help us along, because He knows us perfectly and has it all figured out.

We are so lucky He doesn't make all our decisions for us, and that He doesn't give us everything we think we want.

How Long Halt Ye?

There was a wonderful Sister in my mission who once told me, "Lately I've been doing this thing where I make up random spiritual gifts and then pray for them."  In addition to making me laugh, her comment struck me as a legitimately fantastic idea.  It reminded me of something George Q. Cannon said -- that we ought to pray and fast for the spiritual gifts we need.

Lately I've been praying for the gift of decisiveness.

I've always admired decisive people -- people who know what they want.  I tend to struggle with knowing what I want, and I often agonize over decisions.  A recent life experience got me thinking about all this, so I studied, and I've made some discoveries:

1.  Learning to make decisions is a heritage that goes all the way back to the garden of Eden.

It's kind of what mortality is all about.

God didn't make everything cut-and-dried for Adam and Eve.  He gave them options with consequences and required that they choose (See Moses 3:15 - 4:32).  Interestingly, He required that they choose without fully understanding everything about the situation.  This is something that paralyzes me sometimes -- feeling like I have to make a choice without all the information I want.  But I'm beginning to see that that's kind of the whole point sometimes.  Stepping into the dark.  Doing a trust-fall with God.  It seems to be pretty important to Him that we learn to do that.

He created "things to act and things to be acted upon" (2 Nephi 2:14), and as His spiritually begotten children we are at the top of the list of creatures who are expected to act.  "The Lord God gave unto man that he should act for himself" (2 Nephi 2:16).  He gave us that.  It's a responsibility but also a privilege, and we have to (get to!) figure it out, because it's central to becoming like Him.

2.  Some things really don't matter.

There are a LOT of decisions that really don't matter very much.  More than we tend to think (at least in my case.)  In Doctrine and Covenants there are many instances in which the Lord gives directions like this: "These things remain with you to do according to judgment ..." (D&C 62:8), or "...then you may return ... as seemeth you good, it mattereth not unto me; only be faithful ..." (D&C 62:5).

I think the Lord puts the decision-making firmly in our mortal hands almost all the time, encouraging us to make decisions, act on them, and learn from the process.  When it comes to choices between equally good things, He's not secretly hoping we choose one or the other, eager to punish us when we mess up.  He's just happy to see us growing, moving forward, making things work.

And, frankly, there are details that probably don't matter much to Him.  Like, when Jesus forgave sinners, He said, "go, and sin no more" (John 8:11).  He didn't say, "go, and major in accounting, and marry your neighbor's son, and name your children Zach, Harry, and Lela."  The decision to "sin no more" is really important.  The rest, well, it's way more flexible.

3.  Some things really do matter.

And when they do, we'll have the direction we need.  Boyd K. Packer taught that we will never be allowed to make a wrong decision without being warned by the spirit.  Whether we heed that warning or not falls to us, but God is NOT trying to confuse us.  Ever.  "For God is not the author of confusion but of peace" (1 Corinthians 14:33).

Also, He's made it pretty clear what is most crucial by giving us commandments.  As long as we are aligned with those, we can be confident we are doing right things.  Love God and His children.  Obey God's laws.  Focus on His approval above anyone else's, and remember that charity never faileth.  If those types of guiding principles don't make one of two good choices more obvious, the decision is probably a win-win.

This idea is expressed in 1 Kings 18:21: "...how long halt ye between two opinions? If the Lord be God, follow him."  That matters.  Don't sweat the rest.

4.  God does not intend for fear to be a factor in decision-making.

This is one of the most repeated messages in all scripture.  "Fear not" (this two-word command appears at least seventy-eight times in the standard works).  "Be not afraid, only believe" (Mark 5:36).  "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7).   "Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not" (D&C 6:36).

Fear can lead us to feel paralyzed.  And paralysis was never God's intention for us.  In fact, paralysis is akin to damnation (the state of being damned, or stopped from moving forward).  If we are resisting decisions, we are being acted upon instead of acting.  Thus, a courageous decision to act in the face of fear is a very godly thing.

My grandma LaMyrl wisely told me once that sometimes the only way out is through.  At times, the decision-making atmosphere feels murky.  So we make choices and take steps forward and course-correct as needed and trust in God.  We press on with gratitude and creativity and initiative and resolve and we create something beautiful with each precious day.  Before long we see that much of the murk has cleared.

Whatever we can do to shed fear will dissipate the clouds around our decisions.  That being said, I want to clarify that I'm not a proponent of recklessness.  I think of decisiveness as a spectrum -- we want to be in the middle:

Reckless---------------------Thoughtfully Decisive------------------------Inert

Sometimes the right course of action is to wait; sit with something; let it percolate until the moment when the spirit says, "Go!".  But there is an important difference between confidence-based patience and fear-based immobility.

5.  There is something to be said for sticking to your guns.

Credit on this one goes to my roommate, who came home a few weeks ago after ending a relationship and proclaimed, "It feels really good to stick to your guns."

I love this verse in 1 Corinthians 14:8: "For if the trumpet give an uncertain sound, who shall prepare himself to the battle?"  One element of decisiveness is refusing to be wishy-washy once we've thoughtfully chosen a course of action.  This gives confidence to all who are affected by the choice, especially ourselves.

"Whatsoever ye do, do it heartily" (Colossians 3:23).    It takes courage sometimes to not second-guess, but it feels good.  Charles Swift (my good friend's dad) said, "Make a decision, then make it the right decision."  We can't live our lives constantly looking back and wondering, "what would have happened if...?".  Let's have a little confidence in ourselves and in God that we are making good decisions, doing the best we can, and that the future is full of good, good things.  Because, honestly, it is.  Especially if we decide it is.  I mean, we get to create it.

So, your thoughts? How do we cultivate decisiveness?

This Is Mortality

"Don't you ever feel that way?," my roommate asked me the other day, "Like, you're tired and stressed and sweaty and something goes wrong, and it's just like, this is mortality."

My roommate Elizabeth says all sorts of pithy, interesting things like that, all the time.  It's so instructive and fun to live with her.

Anyway.  She's right.  This Is Mortality.

We are made from the dust of the earth.  Our bodies tire, our minds become weary, our hearts hurt sometimes.  We get sick and we get better and we mess things up and we say stupid things to people we love and we cry and we feel lost and we get excited about small things and big things and we love each other and we try to improve and we laugh and we get bored and we forget things and we smell bad sometimes and we have to eat and sleep like all the time.  We are mortal.

And there are great things about being mortal.  Like how this week it finally got pretty cold.  It's amazing to me how it gets colder and you feel it -- your body all the way through can tell it's cold  and reacts and tenses up and you think, "It's cold!!"  Isn't it cool to feel that?

Or how sleeping actually rejuvenates you.  Isn't it incredible that you can "power down" for like 8 hours and emerge with greater clarity and energy and renewed motivation?  (Usually.)

Or wind.  You know how when it's really windy and you can feel it literally pushing against you?  Mortality is bizarre but it's also really awesome.

Having other mortals around is such a comfort, too.  I'm constantly struck with the quiet greatness of the people who surround me.  I mean, they are just themselves, but they are so exquisite.  Humans are just amazing creations.

Because, I mean, where I'm really going with this is the fact that, yes, we are mortal, but there is that within us which is ETERNAL.

"We are made of the stuff of eternity.  We are eternal beings, children of the Almighty God." (Uchtdorf)  It is no wonder that we feel like "strangers and pilgrims on earth" (See Hebrews 11) sometimes.  Mortality is awesome but it's not the final destination.  Remembering that makes it all the better for its fleeting, poignant glory.

Anyway.  These thoughts are not eloquent, organized, or even really finished, but I need to go read my Physical Science textbook.  This is mortality, after all.

Keeping These Things

 A friend asked me today what I like to do extracurricularly (is that a kosher adverb?) and I told him I enjoy writing.  "When I haven't been writing anything," I said, "there is a part of me that is sad."

Sometimes you can learn a fair bit from what comes out of your own crazy mouth.

So I decided to write something today, and cheer up the little corner of my heart that has been missing writing.

Let me acknowledge that I am not a good writer.  I write like I run -- not because I'm an all-star, destined for greatness, but because when I do it my soul feels good.

So.

I have been thinking about one of my favorite sentences in the New Testament.  Jesus had just been born, and the shepherds were talking about it and everyone was rejoicing and prophesying and saying, "come and see!".  In the midst of all this prophecy -- both fulfilled prophecy and that which was to come -- Mary and Joseph must have been overwhelmed.  They can't have understood what was really going on.  They must have felt excited and honored but also terrified and uncertain.

Luke 2:19: "And Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

Mary is so wise.  I mean, of course she is -- God would choose a wise woman to be the mother of His Only Begotten Son.  But I'm sure she felt young and inexperienced and overwhelmed and confused and exhausted and anxious and insufficient.  At least sometimes.

However.  Her wisdom lies in her patience.  She doesn't freak out or fall apart or demand all the answers.  She accepts the pieces of the puzzle she is given, places them carefully inside her heart, and ponders.


I think about this quite often.

I have never and will never be asked to do something as overwhelming as raising Jesus.  But that doesn't mean I can't learn from Mary.

When you're a 23-year-old recently returned missionary about to graduate from college, there are about five gazillion important decisions to make.  There's managing your finances and deciding what you're most passionate about and figuring out where to work and where to further your education and when to and in which field.  There's discovering what really matters and what kind of person you want to be and what kind of person you want to marry and trying to figure out who in the world that person is.

After spending 1.5 years with the happy blessing of just thinking about other people, you get sick of yourself and your own decisions realllllllly fast.  I mean, thinking about yourself all the time simply never made anybody happy.

These decisions are all just blessings, I know!!  How ridiculously, abundantly blessed is a person in my circumstances!  I cannot let even a whisper of complaining infuse itself into this post.  I am truly, truly grateful for the exciting, wonderful decisions I have the privilege to be making.  But I would not be honest if I didn't admit that every now and then it is a tiny bit intimidating, if not disorienting.

I am trying to, like Mary, keep all these things and ponder them in my heart.  I've seen again and again that God graciously gives us what we need to move forward and learn and choose our paths.  He gives us ownership of our own decisions, always, and lets us take risks and walk under clouds and scrape our knees a few times, but He always, always illuminates as much as needs to be illuminated.  I've seen that so many times that I trust it absolutely.  I trust Him.  I really do.

So I'm pondering.  And in the meantime there are a thousand thousand little daily recompenses: runs and bike rides and crunchy leaves and autumny things and cardigans and the laughter of friends and meaningful conversations and books and breakfasts and naps and cries and hugs and, of course, writing.

Swing Low Sweet Chariot ...

coming forth to carry me home, Swing low, sweet chariot, coming forth to carry me HOME!!!!!

Favorite people,

This week was a marvel.  I haven't had a week that felt like this since Evora, I think.  Such a blessing.

Isabel did in fact get baptized on Saturday.  It was so so so lovely.  SUCH a tender mercy to end my mission this way.  

Isabel really gets it.  She truly studied and learned and prepared and has such a sweet, deep desire to follow God.  A couple weeks ago she had told us that she wasn't going to tell her family she was getting baptized (they are very Catholic).  We told her it was her call, but that we've seen many times that a person's family often reacts much more positively than they expect.  Just tell them why this is important to you, we said, and invite them to your baptism.  

Well.  She did!  (This is how you can tell Isabel is PREPARED -- she actually does the things we invite her to do.  He humility is just beautiful.)  And they ALL CAME.  To her surprise!  Both her children, all her grandkids, and her sister.  The baptism was lovely.  We invited her to give a brief testimony after the baptism, and she was super nervous, but just spoke so sweetly and honestly about how she had been looking all her life for a church that responded to her questions and where she felt good, and she finally found it.  She is such a bright, bright example to me.  

The baptism was well attended, I got to play my violin, and afterwards Isabel invited us and two couples from the ward over to have dinner at her house with her and her family.  It was awesome.  Her family is so so cool and her house is really funky and cool and I think the family liked the whole experience, or at least got to see that we are pretty normal people after all.  Her sister even came yesterday to see her get confirmed.  And Isabel had to leave a few minutes early from church but as she left she said to Sister Wach, "that's my sister! go get her number and try to arrange to talk with her this week!!"  SO. COOL.  Seriously, you guys, Isabel is INCREDIBLE.

She just called me to say goodbye and was like, "we can still talk on email, right?"  Of course.  :)

That reminds me, I got to make some phone calls yesterday.  The best was talking to Nazare and Nelma.  Nazare is suuuuper sick, and it sounds like Evora is kind of struggling, so that phone call was a little sobering.  But she called me "my angel"  a hundred thousand times, and it was just so good to hear her voice.  That woman blessed my life sooooo much.  She is my hero.

Nelma was like "SANDHOESSSS!!!!" and talked to me as if I were in Lagos yesterday.  I love that lady so much.  She is still planning on going to the temple with me and Sister Warburton sometime soon, so I will have to start planning for that....  She also still is dead set on me marrying this one elder that left Lagos right before I arrived.  :)  Oh, Nelma.  Always the matchmaker.  She proposed a 3-way Skype call so that we could meet, and I almost gagged at how awkwardinho that would be.  Ohmylanta.  I was laughing my guts out, talking to her.

--------------------------

On Friday to Saturday we got to fast.  It saddened me that this would be my last fast in the mission.  I really really love the clarity of fasting.  We started our fast in the church, right after Isabel's baptismal interview.  I knelt against a chair near the baptismal font and thought, and prayed.  

My soul filled with gratitude, my heart hurt with gratitude and felt fleshy and full.  I thought how it is almost uncomfortable to feel so grateful to the Lord and not know how to ever repay or fully express that gratitude.

A thought came to my mind: "The way you can thank me is the way you live."

It's true.  The only way we can show our thanks to God is in the life we live -- the kind of people we become.  I just want to be good and righteous and virtuous and gentle and compassionate and forgiving and pure.  I want to show my thanks to God in the way I treat every person around me.

The mission is nothing but a gift.  We come out here thinking we are offering something to God, and I suppose we are, we are offering our selves, and doing that inevitably brings us to realize that being here is much less an offering from us to Him than it is a Gift from Him to us.  He lets us participate in this glorious work, and it changes us forever.

The mission is a gift God gives us to help us get over ourselves and internalize the gospel by DOING it.  We can talk about gospel principles all day long and feel the spirit, but the mission gives us the chance to SHOW that faith in the face of opposition, and emerge tested and with deeper roots and more resilient faith.

We can't learn to love like Christ until we're out here having the chance to love people who may seem less loveable than we are accustomed to.  It is a gift.  It is a gift, and my soul aches that I have to move on from this phase, but I know that the way to thank Heavenly Father for this gift is how I live the rest of my life, starting now.  I cannot say the smallest part which I feel.

We can talk about these things as we sit around the firepit making delicious hot shmoes in a couple days.

I am so excited to see you.

I love you.

Sister Sandholtz